ebullient poppycock

15.12.05
>
> Bon voyage!
>
> I leave Ghana in T minus 8 hours and counting. The excitement is compounded
> by every Ghanaian who asks me where I am going. I say "America!" and they
> invariably say, "and you take me?" and I invariably reply "Yes, if you can
> fit in my luggage." Ok lets go! they say. Damn, if I had a dollar for every
> time this dialogue took place I could have paid for the roundtrip flight by
> now.
>
> I'd like to write a detailed account of Jen's exciting 2wk visit, the
> swearing-in of new volunteers, what Christmas in Ghana looks like and so on
> but honestly my head is spinning at the moment. I can't wait to step on that
> plane with full confidence I will have an entire seat all to myself -- not
> to mention a/c, cold drinks, and maybe a movie or two. I can't wait to see a
> fat, well-fed dog that doesn't run away when I approach it. I can't wait to
> drive down a smooth, paved road that's not littered with trash. Ice! egg
> nog! NY Times! Oprah Winfrey! Land of the free, home of the brave, here I
> come!
>
> Hey, remember Lunchables. Those little bite-size, overpriced meals of
> processed meat and crackers. If you are anything like me you go straight for
> the chocolate mint as soon as you break the seal. Similarly, I'd like to
> skip the crackers and ham part of this email and go straight to dessert.
> Yeah, that's right: rock the top 10s like there's no tomorrow. I realize I
> kind of blue ball'd you by leaving it out of my last correspondence. sorry
> O. Hopefully, this deluge makes up for last month's drought.
>
> Ok, let's start with top 10 Ghana - America inverses. This blossom'd out of
> the many conversations I've had with Americans in Ghana where at some point
> someone said, "yeah, that's weird. its the complete opposite back home."
> Granted, some generalizations are made that are not universally true but all
> in all its striking how much of the following does hold true:
>
> Top 10 Ghana-America inverses
>
> 10. saying "please."
> Americans say it when requesting a favor, like 'would you please pass the
> stuffing.' Ghanaians say 'please' in just about every context BUT favor
> requests. seriously. You listen to the radio and you hear "please, how are
> you doing? please, I am fine. Please, what is your name? Please, my name is
> ..." Kuma likes to yell 'please' until he has my attention, then he will say
> something like "I am going to school now." But when Kuma wants some water to
> drink he'll bark out, "give me water." "Give me money. take me to America.
> bring me a TV back from America." It seems that whenever an actual sacrifice
> is involved, the word 'please' is not said.
>
> 9. tipping
> It's called "dashing" over here and strange enough, the seller dashes the
> buyer. Not the other way around. For example, I go to the market and buy
> 5,000 cedis worth of onions. It's customary for me, the consumer, to ask for
> a dash. Then the onion seller laughs (if I say it in twi) and gives me an
> extra onion or two. At a typical restaurant here you leave no tip. The taxi
> driver will haggle you for a high fare when you enter the cab, but he
> doesn't expect anything extra when you get out. This is not to say tipping
> the seller/service agent never happens. Its happily accepted by almost
> everyone if you do leave a little something extra. But for the most part
> asking for a tip after providing a service is akin to begging.
>
> 8. birthday celebrations
> If you wonder'd why funerals are "hot" and birthdays "not" its because
> hosting a funeral brings in money for the bereaved. Birthdays and weddings,
> on the other hand, are expensive. In Ghana the onus is on the birthday boy
> or girl to throw a party and buy gifts for friends and family. Thus, very
> few celebrate their birthday. Plus, birth records are not well kept so many
> people, esp. poor villagers aren't sure when their birthday is. Needless to
> say I'm stoked not to be in Ghana for my b-day this year :)
>
> 7. Females carrying luggage for males
> It was hard for me to adjust to this one and to be frank I'm still not
> entirely comfortable with it, but women here are expected to carry a man's
> luggage. Call it courtesy or friendliness but don't call it inappropriate,
> not in Ghana. Not only am I a man but I'm also a foreigner (and thus a
> guest) so its expected a woman -- any woman -- will help me with my luggage.
> My homestay mother during training is not even 5 ft tall but she insisted on
> carrying my big heavy bag to the taxi. It just feels wrong on so many levels
> but that's the tradition.
>
> 6. social atmosphere of eating
> Not always, but typically eating is a solitary activity here. My homestay
> family liked to bring my food into my room and leave me to eat in silence by
> myself. And so did every other homestay family with their American guest.
> Eating together and sharing food happens, don't get me wrong. But usually
> chopping a big ball of fufu with soup is a messy process so I can understand
> why you wouldn't want a bunch of people watching you as you eat.
>
> 5. teacher truancy
> In the states, students like to skip school. Here its the teachers that
> don't show up. I swear. You probably don't believe me but ask any Education
> volunteer and they'll tell you almost daily (depending on the school) a
> classroom full of students is without a teacher. Teachers look for any
> excuse not to show up. The day Jen and I showed up to help at Agou primary
> school, our noble headmaster informed us that we could do whatever we wanted
> cuz Joe, Richard, and he were "on strike." The day before their big strike
> they sat around and watched the kids play football all day. And the day
> after both Joe and the Headmaster traveled to Nkwanta for a "workshop." True
> teachers are paid crap, but they know that going into the profession. and
> its no different in America I always tell them.
>
> 4. attitude towards beer
> Sitting on a lawn chair, throwing back a six pack of Pabs blue ribbon is not
> exactly what we associate with lifestyles of the rich and famous. But beer
> is expensive here, relatively speaking. Your average bottle goes for 8000
> cedis, almost $1. For comparison, I can get a full meal of fufu, goat, and
> groundnut soup for 6000 cedis at most chop bars. I've been to classy French
> restaurants in Accra that serve a full array of common beer, in a glass and
> overpriced of course. Nevertheless, your typical villager can't afford a
> beer. He will settle for a tall shot of gin -- its only 1000 cedis.
>
> 3. attitude towards agriculture chemicals
> I may be out of touch with mainstream America after living in Berkeley for 5
> years but I feel like there's a strong movement away from chemical
> pesticides and fertilizers in supermarket produce and anything with an
> "organic" label is considered better, safer, and more natural. Not so in
> Ghana. Here the food grown is by default organic because chemicals are
> costly. But chemicals kill weeds and pests a lot quicker than walking around
> and hacking 2 acres of weeds with a machete. In fact, vegetables grown with
> chemical fertilizers and pesticides are called "agric" and people here will
> pay more for them.
>
> 2. calling someone "fat"
> and its not fat with a "ph." Ghanaians don't mean the opposite, but they
> describe people as fat much more freely than we do. eg 'Your friend came by
> to visit you. who? I ask. oh you know the fat one.' On a continent with the
> lowest caloric intake in the world, a fat person is seen as a wealthy person
> -- more so in villages than larger towns and cities. Like the fat kings and
> lords in feudal Europe, a sizable Ghanaian commands respect. So to call
> someone fat is, in many parts of Ghana, more of a compliment than an insult.
>
> 1. belly buttons
> Americans have innies. young Ghanaians have outies. simple as that. Well,
> not everyone. But if you go to the rural villages, you can't help but wonder
> why the small children have big, sometimes huge, protruding stumps on their
> belly. Jen and I decided to call them "belly logs" cuz button just doesn't
> capture the sheer magnitude of these things. This is one you really have to
> see to believe. We asked the nurse in my community about the cause of belly
> logs. She said its just nature. Did I ever mention the schools in Ghana
> aren't so great?
>
>
> Good stuff. Now I present to you the top 10 animals I've eaten in Ghana.
> This is meant to give you a glimpse into just how much I've changed since
> coming here. I was vegetarian for 5 years before landing in Accra. Now I eat
> just about anything that moves..
>
> Top 10 animals I've eaten in Ghana
>
> 10. antelope. smoky and dry both times I had it. not that good.
> 9. frog. very little meat and a lot of guts. bonus: quite easy to kill with
> a machete
> 8. tortoise. difficult to prepare, not that tender. ironically, this slow
> small tortoise we caught is the only animal my cat Snoop was ever terrified
> of. He would stand up to dogs and even big ass bulls that walked by my house
> but the tortoise sent him running for the hillls
> 7. squirrel = yummy. squirrel testes = not yummy
> 6. cat. sweet, tender, and juicy white meat. I don't want to say how it was
> killed but I had to try it once. honestly though i've come to believe its
> kind of strange that eating this animal is so taboo in America -- assuming
> it is not a domesticated house pet, of couse. I'm thinking more of all the
> cats killed at the pound and then dumped in a landfill. Wasteful if you ask
> me.
> 5. human. (j/k i'm not that savage.. yet)
> 4. goat. deelish. however the skin can be fatty and tough at times
> 3. grasscutter. this large rodent that lives in the bush is a succulent
> treat
> 2. kamono dragon/big big lizard. I'm really not sure what it is but its a
> large (~1m long) reptile in the shape of a lizard. I love it. It tastes like
> sausage when fried.
> 1. crocodile. like bacon but with tougher skin. i should say its not common
> to chop these guys :)
>
>
> One thing that's nice about life in the Peace Corps is you are afforded a
> generous amount of free time. With an abundance of time, I've been able to
> read a lot of books my professors assigned in college but I didn't get
> around to reading at the time. Here are my favorites.
>
> Top 10 books I read this year
>
> 10. The Tipping Point by M. Gladwell
> A riveting look at social trends, like NY crime decline in early 90s,
> smoking cigarettes, and the success of sesame street
>
> 9. Man's search for Meaning by V. Frankyl
> A powerful tale of life in the Holocaust and lessons learned from the
> harrowing experience
>
> 8. Catch-22 by J. Heller
> Funny. the madness of life in the military exposed and ridiculed
>
> 7. The Stranger by A. Camus
> A quick read but one you won't soon forget
>
> 6. On Writing Well by W. Zassner
> Read if you want to improve your writing ability a notch or two. happens to
> practice what he preaches and even the technical parts are a delight to read
>
> 5. Cat's Cradle by K. Vonnegut
> classic Konnegut. You should not be considered literate if you have not read
> any Vonnegut
>
> 4. The Future of Freedom by F. Zakaria
> A compelling argument that less, not more democracy is needed in the US and
> around the world
>
> 3. Freakonomics by S. Levitt
> A fun, scholarly analysis of random facts, such as why prostitutes on
> average make more than architects and the connection b/t legalized abortion
> and violent crime
>
> 2. Moby Dick by H. Melville
> The first 100 pages are as good as literature gets, then the narrative turns
> into an encyclopedia article on whaling. But the last 3 chapters are
> exciting
>
> 1. Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by D. Eggers
> Laugh out loud story of 20 something losing his two parents and raising his
> younger bro in the bay area
>
>
> Several people have expressed enjoyment of my top 10s but all too often they
> feel the need to compare me to David Letterman. Well I'm no Letterman,
> that's for sure. but I never pretended to be one either. I am a lonely bush
> boy living on $5/day eight degrees above the equator. To drive this point
> home I present:
>
> Top 10 reasons I'm no David Letterman
> 10.
> 9.
> 8.
> 7.
> 6.
> 5.
> 4. I don't have a staff of professional comedians writing my top tens
> 3.
> 2.
> 1.
>
>
> and finally I'll share with you a snapshot of Jen's exciting 2 week tour of
> Ghana
>
> Top 10 moments during Jen's visit
>
> 10. I call Jen a "quasia," meaning idiot in twi, on the bus after she can't
> figure out how to turn on my cd walkman. The whole bus erupts in laughter.
> I've never seen her face so red. I've also never seen someone learn twi as
> fast as she did after that incident.
>
> 9. Sunset walk along Cape Coast beach. beautiful, right? More like a stroll
> through the bottom of a latrine. we had to breath through our mouths and
> carefully watch every step so as not to step in crap, human crap! that was
> everywhere
>
> 8. I cut the head off my rooster and we watch his body run around like a
> maniac for half a minute. Jen was shocked. At least we know now where the
> saying comes from.
>
> 7. I tell a Konkomba man Jen is my wife. He claps and congratulates me. Then
> says, "Oh then you can give her to me." Probably the first time she was
> literally treated like chattel.
>
> 6. Snapping a photo of a beach shitter, then being chased and yelled at by
> his friend.
>
> 5. Our Muslim tro driver Mohammed swears he will convert to Christianity if
> Jen takes him to America
>
> 4. I tell the elders of Kabiti Jen is my wife. They erupt in cheers and
> applause, saying "you're married. now you are free!" Jen was like, no
> actually marriage is kind of the opposite of that.
>
> 3. Shopping at Kabiti market and watching in 90 degree F weather a man
> buying a wool facemask. I swear this is true. The dry season is approaching
> which means the weather will drop to a frigid 60 degrees F in the morning!!
>
> 2. Teachers go on strike the day Jen and I offer to help teach. We taught 60
> elementary kids red rover, red rover -- yes it got violent real quick. We
> gave a lesson on US v. Ghana, focusing especially on the difference in
> family size. America family = small, small. Ghana family = big, big. Then we
> do a 'will it float?' session with the kids. No I'm no Letterman but the
> kids have a slightly better understanding of buoyancy now.
>
> 1. A middle aged African-American woman at Elmina slave castle in tears
> after hearing 40 million blacks died at the place where we were standing.
> "We're still here," she muttered. It turns out she was a peace corps
> volunteer in Uraguay and married a local there. she said she brought a piece
> of Uraguay with her back home :)
>
>
> Ok, now its your turn. I have missed a full year of movies. Give me your top
> 10 list of best movies of 2005. or 10 best books or top 10 whatever. I am
> serious. If i don't get an email from you, don't expect any more from me.
>
> Hope to see y'all soon.
>
> happy holidays,
> kris